The wheels on the bus go round & round

There's a lot going on in the world today. Seaquake = Tsunami in Samoa, American Samoa, Pacific and our East Coast. 100+ dead.

Heavy floods in Manila. He's ok. I'm relieved. I think of him every now and then. Although I know now how much I have learnt about self-worth. Well, one would think anyway!

Treat them mean, keep them keen. Does that even work? Did that even work? All I wonder is why I let it go on for so long. I guess I'm a sucker when it comes to that.

Why do I choose to manage people? That is the hardest, most draining jobs ever. Do I even enjoy it?

Oh yes please, a hug would be nice. Thank you.

Going to the chapel and we're, going to maaarriieeddd

My beautiful friend and her adorable fiance got married on Sunday! It was amazing. They even high-fived each other after their 'first kiss'! Very cute indeed. So no more top 'n' tailing now I suppose! There's a running joke among the friends that they sleep 'top n tail' simply because of their disinclination to PDA! They even spent months rehearsing the kiss! Hilarious.

She looked stunning in her gown. It was a moving day.

I wish them nothing but happiness & laughter for the rest of the years to come.

x

Oh wherefore art thou Mojo?

Its seems I've lost my mojo. I haven't had it for a while. Oh where has it gone?

Mojo.

According to the Urban Dictionary, it can be defined as "self-confidence, self-assuredness. As in basis for belief in ones self in a situation."

My personal definition is that twinkle in your eye. A twinkle of vivacity, of spirit, of being.

Self-assurance. I used to walk with a bounce in my step. I was confident. I knew what I wanted.

I wonder what I need to do to re-acquire it?

There's nothing that happened in particular to cause the loss of it. Maybe I've lost sight of my direction? All I have is work now - I don't want to slip back into that life. Maybe it's just a phase? It's been a long time though....

I think I should call this part of my life...Operation Mojo.

Time is a funny thing. It has such power over us and oh how it toys with us. We think we have all the time in the world. We don't. And as time passes, the things we used to strive for, things we used to covet - we no longer want. It dictates how we live and what we want. It doesn't matter if it's right or not. It simply is.

Time.

At 20, I thought I was invincible. I was going to conquer the world. At 21, I asked for time and time was what I got but have I moved ahead? At 22, time was focused on moving up the corporate rung. At 25, I'm asking for more time. Climbing the corporate ladder no longer seems that important.

Funny how priorities change. Funny how childhood emotions can have such an impact on a now adult life.

I'm bothered. It bothers me.

I miss my dad. Do I feel deprived of love? I'm not sure. I certainly feel deprived of something. Something that is all my own. Dad was all my own. He was mine. I never had to compete for his attention or to seek his approval/validation. I'm tired of all that. I feel like I'm looking for someone to fill his place. I don't believe I have found that person yet, not in the last 17 years I have been searching. Someone who can give me a hug that will make all the bad melt away.

I need looking after too. It's a bit difficult if no one knows that. Or in my case, see it.

Only the bad seems to make it here. I wish it wasn't so. I want to share happyiness/goodness too. I just need to find it t.

Hello Rat Race

A promotion. 2 titles. One premium. One successful.

A pat on the back.

Isn't it funny how when you least expect it, it comes through.

My career is something I have control over. Ish.

I'm happy with this. I can't say they haven't been good to me. But as always, onto bigger and better things.

Always growing. Always improving. Always better.

Day 100.

Day 100.

Be still my silly heart.

This needs to be over. Part of me wants you to know how it feels to want something you can't have.
But this self-destruction needs to stop somewhere.
Mr N. says so.

I've been running round and round in circles and still I can't seem to work it out
in my head.

I need a friend tonight. Just a friend.

Why do I find it so hard to give them a tug on the sleeve to say
'please sit with me for a minute'?
For that reason, I cannot blame anyone but myself.

Unfortunately, what I put up as a defense mechanism - a stoic disposition,
has worked against me.
This has come to be seen as a hardness that does not deserve
a soft word here, a shoulder there and a silent hum of compassion.
Yes, the 'hard' word is good, character building even, but why has it been forgotten that I am a girl
and sometimes even I just need a 'soft' word.

Sometimes I simply want to be asked "are you ok" and
sometimes I want to be able to answer 'no, i'm not' and that's ok.

"I'm sorry I can't be that soft friend that you need right now...I'm trying but nothing comes to mind"

Oh well. I'll be fine eventually. I always am.

x

This part of my life, I like to call choosing

Someone once told me "Happiness is a choice. You have to choose it"

I want to choose it.

I want to live a life of choices. Choices based on desire, need, authenticity - who I am and what I stand for, and finally creative expression - because I want to strive to be more.

It's not about appearances because I fool no one, especially NOT myself. I can 'appear' to be carefree and that 'cool' girl, but eventually, that will get the better of me. Being and appearing is so very different.

I want to be better. I want to be better for me. I want to be better because I want it.

Now comes the hard part. How?

How?

I'm going to sleep on it. For now.

No more waiting.