Autumn...

The leaves are failling, falling as if from far up,
as if orchards were dying high in space.
Each leaf falls as if it were motioning "no".

And tonight the heavy earth is falling
away from all other stars in the loneliness.

We're all falling. This hand here is falling.
And look at the other one. It's in them all.

And yet there is Someone, whose hands
infinitely calm, holding up all this falling.

~Rainer Maria Rilke

U-turn

Here I stand. Again.

Why do I get myself in these messes? He's just a guy.

I promised myself that I would be ok. Going to let it go. Obviously he doesn't consider me a friend, and even that...he doesn't consider me as. So be it.

No expectations~

I certainly had an interesting yet fantastic night on Thursday. It was the first time out with the girls and it was fun.

For some reason it's almost a relief when I'm not out with my normal group of girls because there's no fear or judgment or insecurities around what they'd think if I drank too much or spent too much time talking to one guy. It's strange because I know for a fact that they won't judge - we've touched on this topic before but still, it's almost as if I want to keep my selfs separate. No strings attached. With those girls or those boys.

I'm far from what you'd call uninhibited. In fact, I'm quite uptight and well controlled. I guess it comes with the premises of always striving for perfection. It's tiring.

I met an unassuming boy. I hadn't really noticed him before. Well, I think I had but disregarded him thinking he wouldn't be interested. Well, he was and what a nice guy. Nice boy, nice-looking, an awesome conversation - a fleeting moment of connection.

*It is here that I congratulate (?) myself for adding another experience into that nicely wrapped box of mine on the wooden shelf*

We didn't exchange numbers, I didn't give him a chance. But I prefer it this way. I know myself enough to know that I'll probably get it all twisted, wondering why he hadn't texted or if I should text him etc etc so we shall leave it as his. And I wish him well on his travels and thank him for the moment we shared. It was sweet.

I am what I am, and it ain't that bad

Learning to be comfortable in my own skin. It could be a full-time job!






Met a hot Brazilian surfer on Friday night. I found his shyness extremely appealing.

Dream

She's absolutely gorgeous.....

The wheels on the bus go round & round

There's a lot going on in the world today. Seaquake = Tsunami in Samoa, American Samoa, Pacific and our East Coast. 100+ dead.

Heavy floods in Manila. He's ok. I'm relieved. I think of him every now and then. Although I know now how much I have learnt about self-worth. Well, one would think anyway!

Treat them mean, keep them keen. Does that even work? Did that even work? All I wonder is why I let it go on for so long. I guess I'm a sucker when it comes to that.

Why do I choose to manage people? That is the hardest, most draining jobs ever. Do I even enjoy it?

Oh yes please, a hug would be nice. Thank you.

Going to the chapel and we're, going to maaarriieeddd

My beautiful friend and her adorable fiance got married on Sunday! It was amazing. They even high-fived each other after their 'first kiss'! Very cute indeed. So no more top 'n' tailing now I suppose! There's a running joke among the friends that they sleep 'top n tail' simply because of their disinclination to PDA! They even spent months rehearsing the kiss! Hilarious.

She looked stunning in her gown. It was a moving day.

I wish them nothing but happiness & laughter for the rest of the years to come.

x

Oh wherefore art thou Mojo?

Its seems I've lost my mojo. I haven't had it for a while. Oh where has it gone?

Mojo.

According to the Urban Dictionary, it can be defined as "self-confidence, self-assuredness. As in basis for belief in ones self in a situation."

My personal definition is that twinkle in your eye. A twinkle of vivacity, of spirit, of being.

Self-assurance. I used to walk with a bounce in my step. I was confident. I knew what I wanted.

I wonder what I need to do to re-acquire it?

There's nothing that happened in particular to cause the loss of it. Maybe I've lost sight of my direction? All I have is work now - I don't want to slip back into that life. Maybe it's just a phase? It's been a long time though....

I think I should call this part of my life...Operation Mojo.

Time is a funny thing. It has such power over us and oh how it toys with us. We think we have all the time in the world. We don't. And as time passes, the things we used to strive for, things we used to covet - we no longer want. It dictates how we live and what we want. It doesn't matter if it's right or not. It simply is.

Time.

At 20, I thought I was invincible. I was going to conquer the world. At 21, I asked for time and time was what I got but have I moved ahead? At 22, time was focused on moving up the corporate rung. At 25, I'm asking for more time. Climbing the corporate ladder no longer seems that important.

Funny how priorities change. Funny how childhood emotions can have such an impact on a now adult life.

I'm bothered. It bothers me.

I miss my dad. Do I feel deprived of love? I'm not sure. I certainly feel deprived of something. Something that is all my own. Dad was all my own. He was mine. I never had to compete for his attention or to seek his approval/validation. I'm tired of all that. I feel like I'm looking for someone to fill his place. I don't believe I have found that person yet, not in the last 17 years I have been searching. Someone who can give me a hug that will make all the bad melt away.

I need looking after too. It's a bit difficult if no one knows that. Or in my case, see it.

Only the bad seems to make it here. I wish it wasn't so. I want to share happyiness/goodness too. I just need to find it t.

Hello Rat Race

A promotion. 2 titles. One premium. One successful.

A pat on the back.

Isn't it funny how when you least expect it, it comes through.

My career is something I have control over. Ish.

I'm happy with this. I can't say they haven't been good to me. But as always, onto bigger and better things.

Always growing. Always improving. Always better.

Day 100.

Day 100.

Be still my silly heart.

This needs to be over. Part of me wants you to know how it feels to want something you can't have.
But this self-destruction needs to stop somewhere.
Mr N. says so.

I've been running round and round in circles and still I can't seem to work it out
in my head.

I need a friend tonight. Just a friend.

Why do I find it so hard to give them a tug on the sleeve to say
'please sit with me for a minute'?
For that reason, I cannot blame anyone but myself.

Unfortunately, what I put up as a defense mechanism - a stoic disposition,
has worked against me.
This has come to be seen as a hardness that does not deserve
a soft word here, a shoulder there and a silent hum of compassion.
Yes, the 'hard' word is good, character building even, but why has it been forgotten that I am a girl
and sometimes even I just need a 'soft' word.

Sometimes I simply want to be asked "are you ok" and
sometimes I want to be able to answer 'no, i'm not' and that's ok.

"I'm sorry I can't be that soft friend that you need right now...I'm trying but nothing comes to mind"

Oh well. I'll be fine eventually. I always am.

x

This part of my life, I like to call choosing

Someone once told me "Happiness is a choice. You have to choose it"

I want to choose it.

I want to live a life of choices. Choices based on desire, need, authenticity - who I am and what I stand for, and finally creative expression - because I want to strive to be more.

It's not about appearances because I fool no one, especially NOT myself. I can 'appear' to be carefree and that 'cool' girl, but eventually, that will get the better of me. Being and appearing is so very different.

I want to be better. I want to be better for me. I want to be better because I want it.

Now comes the hard part. How?

How?

I'm going to sleep on it. For now.

No more waiting.

This ain't the movies baby, you can't fool me. Your words are empty and they don't move me no more. I wish it didn't have to be this way.

No baby I won't chase you but soon I will replace you. I wish it didn't have to be this way.

You ain't no good to me, you're just my poetry from now. And it's clear to see, you're just temporarily around. Still you keep coming around, playing the part, you're flipping the script and faking your heart. You're coming around, playing the part, flipping the script, faking your heart.

Sometimes I think I'm crazy for ever loving you. I took my chances and look what happened: I'm the one to lose. What's the point of this drama that's taken so much of me. I'm better off without you. Honest. You got the best of me.

You ain't no good to me, you're just my poetry for now.

It's a Shame. It's a Shame.

You won't change. You won't change.

You won't change.

Pit Stop

Let's stop for a bit. I've been walking for days and I need to rest. Let's stop. Let's turn around and have a look at the distance I have covered. This:

Love~ I want this...
Number 1 - my first love. 3 years of both ends of the spectrum. i fell hard. and then then four years on.....
Lesson learnt - my self-worth
Number 2 - my rebound. *shudder* this was a mistake.
Lesson learnt - don't doubt myself and what i want
Number 3 - a random. 2 months of happiness...while it lasted.
Lesson learnt - i can't do casual, i'll always want more
Number 4 - a friend. 2 months of compatibility, laughter and inspiration.
Lesson learnt - you cannot force what's not there
Number 5 - an artist. 15 hours. a fleeting connection in passing. i fell hard.
Lesson learnt - i want this feeling

Career~There's no such thing as 'having it all' but I know what my priorities are..

突然發現我站了好久，我累了
I've suddenly realised I've been standing for a long time. I'm tired.

I want to rest my head for a bit....

. ?

I dreamt of you last night. You called me.

My arms are sore from holding out the platter with my heart on it. Please relieve me of it.

I thought I was different, but I am the same. And now you're inked into me. Indelible.

Stop.

Cease your crazy ramblings you madwoman.

It was but a fleeting moment of truth. One which you must be grateful for. It was enough. Now leave it.

Leave it.

Leave it.

Leave.

*slam*

I've just closed one dead-end door......and about to walk through a new door.

I think it's time.

Lions, tigers and bears, oh my~

If the elephants have past lives,
Yet are destined to always remember,
It's no wonder how they scream,
Like you and I, they must have some temper.

And I am dreaming of them on the plains,
Dirtying up their beds,
Watching for some sign of rain
To cool their hot heads.

And how dare that you send me that card
When I'm doing all that I can do.
You are forcing me to remember
When all I want is to just forget you.

If the tiger shall protect her young,
Then tell me how did you slip by.
All my instincts have failed me for once
I must have somehow slept the whole night.

And I am dreaming of them with their kill,
Tearing it all apart,
Blood dripping from their lips,
And teeth sinking in to heart.

And how dare that you say you will call,
When you know I need some peace of mind..
If you had to take sides with the animals,
Won't you do it with one who is kind?

If the hawks in the trees need the dead,
If you're living you don't stand a chance.
For a time, though you share the same bed,
There are only two ends to this dance.

You can flee with your wounds just in time,
Or lie there as he feeds,
Watching yourself ripped to shreds
And laughing as you bleed.

So for those of you falling in love,
Keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right.
Throw yourself in the midst of danger,
But keep one eye open at night.