Hello Rat Race

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A pat on the back.

Isn't it funny how when you least expect it, it comes through.

My career is something I have control over. Ish.

I'm happy with this. I can't say they haven't been good to me. But as always, onto bigger and better things.

Always growing. Always improving. Always better.

Day 100.

Day 100.

Be still my silly heart.

This needs to be over. Part of me wants you to know how it feels to want something you can't have.
But this self-destruction needs to stop somewhere.
Mr N. says so.

I've been running round and round in circles and still I can't seem to work it out
in my head.

I need a friend tonight. Just a friend.

Why do I find it so hard to give them a tug on the sleeve to say
'please sit with me for a minute'?
For that reason, I cannot blame anyone but myself.

Unfortunately, what I put up as a defense mechanism - a stoic disposition,
has worked against me.
This has come to be seen as a hardness that does not deserve
a soft word here, a shoulder there and a silent hum of compassion.
Yes, the 'hard' word is good, character building even, but why has it been forgotten that I am a girl
and sometimes even I just need a 'soft' word.

Sometimes I simply want to be asked "are you ok" and
sometimes I want to be able to answer 'no, i'm not' and that's ok.

"I'm sorry I can't be that soft friend that you need right now...I'm trying but nothing comes to mind"

Oh well. I'll be fine eventually. I always am.

x

This part of my life, I like to call choosing

Someone once told me "Happiness is a choice. You have to choose it"

I want to choose it.

I want to live a life of choices. Choices based on desire, need, authenticity - who I am and what I stand for, and finally creative expression - because I want to strive to be more.

It's not about appearances because I fool no one, especially NOT myself. I can 'appear' to be carefree and that 'cool' girl, but eventually, that will get the better of me. Being and appearing is so very different.

I want to be better. I want to be better for me. I want to be better because I want it.

Now comes the hard part. How?

How?

I'm going to sleep on it. For now.

No more waiting.

This ain't the movies baby, you can't fool me. Your words are empty and they don't move me no more. I wish it didn't have to be this way.

No baby I won't chase you but soon I will replace you. I wish it didn't have to be this way.

You ain't no good to me, you're just my poetry from now. And it's clear to see, you're just temporarily around. Still you keep coming around, playing the part, you're flipping the script and faking your heart. You're coming around, playing the part, flipping the script, faking your heart.

Sometimes I think I'm crazy for ever loving you. I took my chances and look what happened: I'm the one to lose. What's the point of this drama that's taken so much of me. I'm better off without you. Honest. You got the best of me.

You ain't no good to me, you're just my poetry for now.

It's a Shame. It's a Shame.

You won't change. You won't change.

You won't change.

Pit Stop

Let's stop for a bit. I've been walking for days and I need to rest. Let's stop. Let's turn around and have a look at the distance I have covered. This:

Love~ I want this...
Number 1 - my first love. 3 years of both ends of the spectrum. i fell hard. and then then four years on.....
Lesson learnt - my self-worth
Number 2 - my rebound. *shudder* this was a mistake.
Lesson learnt - don't doubt myself and what i want
Number 3 - a random. 2 months of happiness...while it lasted.
Lesson learnt - i can't do casual, i'll always want more
Number 4 - a friend. 2 months of compatibility, laughter and inspiration.
Lesson learnt - you cannot force what's not there
Number 5 - an artist. 15 hours. a fleeting connection in passing. i fell hard.
Lesson learnt - i want this feeling

Career~There's no such thing as 'having it all' but I know what my priorities are..

突然發現我站了好久，我累了
I've suddenly realised I've been standing for a long time. I'm tired.

I want to rest my head for a bit....

. ?

I dreamt of you last night. You called me.

My arms are sore from holding out the platter with my heart on it. Please relieve me of it.

I thought I was different, but I am the same. And now you're inked into me. Indelible.

Stop.

Cease your crazy ramblings you madwoman.

It was but a fleeting moment of truth. One which you must be grateful for. It was enough. Now leave it.

Leave it.

Leave it.

Leave.