No expectations~

I certainly had an interesting yet fantastic night on Thursday. It was the first time out with the girls and it was fun.

For some reason it's almost a relief when I'm not out with my normal group of girls because there's no fear or judgment or insecurities around what they'd think if I drank too much or spent too much time talking to one guy. It's strange because I know for a fact that they won't judge - we've touched on this topic before but still, it's almost as if I want to keep my selfs separate. No strings attached. With those girls or those boys.

I'm far from what you'd call uninhibited. In fact, I'm quite uptight and well controlled. I guess it comes with the premises of always striving for perfection. It's tiring.

I met an unassuming boy. I hadn't really noticed him before. Well, I think I had but disregarded him thinking he wouldn't be interested. Well, he was and what a nice guy. Nice boy, nice-looking, an awesome conversation - a fleeting moment of connection.

*It is here that I congratulate (?) myself for adding another experience into that nicely wrapped box of mine on the wooden shelf*

We didn't exchange numbers, I didn't give him a chance. But I prefer it this way. I know myself enough to know that I'll probably get it all twisted, wondering why he hadn't texted or if I should text him etc etc so we shall leave it as his. And I wish him well on his travels and thank him for the moment we shared. It was sweet.

I am what I am, and it ain't that bad

Learning to be comfortable in my own skin. It could be a full-time job!






Met a hot Brazilian surfer on Friday night. I found his shyness extremely appealing.

Dream

She's absolutely gorgeous.....

The wheels on the bus go round & round

There's a lot going on in the world today. Seaquake = Tsunami in Samoa, American Samoa, Pacific and our East Coast. 100+ dead.

Heavy floods in Manila. He's ok. I'm relieved. I think of him every now and then. Although I know now how much I have learnt about self-worth. Well, one would think anyway!

Treat them mean, keep them keen. Does that even work? Did that even work? All I wonder is why I let it go on for so long. I guess I'm a sucker when it comes to that.

Why do I choose to manage people? That is the hardest, most draining jobs ever. Do I even enjoy it?

Oh yes please, a hug would be nice. Thank you.

Going to the chapel and we're, going to maaarriieeddd

My beautiful friend and her adorable fiance got married on Sunday! It was amazing. They even high-fived each other after their 'first kiss'! Very cute indeed. So no more top 'n' tailing now I suppose! There's a running joke among the friends that they sleep 'top n tail' simply because of their disinclination to PDA! They even spent months rehearsing the kiss! Hilarious.

She looked stunning in her gown. It was a moving day.

I wish them nothing but happiness & laughter for the rest of the years to come.

x

Oh wherefore art thou Mojo?

Its seems I've lost my mojo. I haven't had it for a while. Oh where has it gone?

Mojo.

According to the Urban Dictionary, it can be defined as "self-confidence, self-assuredness. As in basis for belief in ones self in a situation."

My personal definition is that twinkle in your eye. A twinkle of vivacity, of spirit, of being.

Self-assurance. I used to walk with a bounce in my step. I was confident. I knew what I wanted.

I wonder what I need to do to re-acquire it?

There's nothing that happened in particular to cause the loss of it. Maybe I've lost sight of my direction? All I have is work now - I don't want to slip back into that life. Maybe it's just a phase? It's been a long time though....

I think I should call this part of my life...Operation Mojo.

Time is a funny thing. It has such power over us and oh how it toys with us. We think we have all the time in the world. We don't. And as time passes, the things we used to strive for, things we used to covet - we no longer want. It dictates how we live and what we want. It doesn't matter if it's right or not. It simply is.

Time.

At 20, I thought I was invincible. I was going to conquer the world. At 21, I asked for time and time was what I got but have I moved ahead? At 22, time was focused on moving up the corporate rung. At 25, I'm asking for more time. Climbing the corporate ladder no longer seems that important.

Funny how priorities change. Funny how childhood emotions can have such an impact on a now adult life.

I'm bothered. It bothers me.

I miss my dad. Do I feel deprived of love? I'm not sure. I certainly feel deprived of something. Something that is all my own. Dad was all my own. He was mine. I never had to compete for his attention or to seek his approval/validation. I'm tired of all that. I feel like I'm looking for someone to fill his place. I don't believe I have found that person yet, not in the last 17 years I have been searching. Someone who can give me a hug that will make all the bad melt away.

I need looking after too. It's a bit difficult if no one knows that. Or in my case, see it.

Only the bad seems to make it here. I wish it wasn't so. I want to share happyiness/goodness too. I just need to find it t.