The end. Finish.

Angry banter. Funny banter. Harmless banter. Hurtful banter.

blue. anger. life. grief. freedom. Grey grey grey.

six years too long.
three years too late.

i am free. finally. and I feel fine.

eyes forward.

I think there's someone I'm missing.

No matter how hard to try to keep my eyes ahead, the creeping fingers of ghosts past keep tap tap tapping on my shoulder.

quiet please. please.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

*cue* smile

Hangover

Last lifetime I almost overdosed on your love
Cos this time around I'm permanently tipsy

With your name on the tongue of my tip
Can't even speak right
Can't even sleep
And I'm missing your voice, your choice and thoughts
I guess I ought to stop looking for intoxication

No need to inflate this drumming in my brain
When I try to release this pain in my chest
I got to rest. I need to chill
I need to chill.

But then I see you smile
And all my hardwork ain't worthwhile anymore
Just a festering sore and no amount of drinking milk is going to calm it
Just drinking rum to block out some of your, some of you, summertime
Or at least I try

And at least a generation later I'm still trying to ease my soul
Ease my soul
Ease my soul

~Love Hangover
Jettrics feat. Adefunke

silence

I just need a little silence. Sometimes I have so much going on in my head I can't breathe. Whoever created the saying "it will heal with time" is an ignorant liar. It doesn't and nobody should fool themselves into thinking so. It just gets to the point where you don't think about it everyday but when you do, it hits you with the same lasting intensity.

I waited for my 16th, I waited for my puppy. It never came. I wanted you to hear me play. I was good. I wanted you to see me dance. I was good.

I miss the butterfly kisses, the graceful flutters, the warm cocoon.

Let go of me~~

I have a problem with detachment. I seem to lack this ability - horribly lack. Buddhists believe that attachment is the reason for all suffering in this world. I have to say that I can see where they're coming from, to a certain extent. The only reason we hurt, or get angry, upset, regretful, bitter and emotional about things is because we become attached. To work, to commodities, to people, to things.

Sometimes I wish I had a magical pair of scissors that allowed me to cut the string when the time came to do so. Instead of having to work through all the crap. Or I wish I was more like some of my friends who just wake up and it's gone - *poof* just like that.

It will be 3 years tomorrow. I really should get over it. He has.

Mindless driving

I used to drive. I had a habit of looking ahead and never concentrated on the here and now. One day while looking for a carpark, I did my usual routine: eyes forward, looking ahead, trying to spot a park and I very nearly hit a pedestrian after not stopping at the pedestrian crossing. It was then that I realised that I applied a very similiar philosophy to life. Always looking forward for a park...for a better park..for a closer and more convenient park. I felt that was in fact a very limited way of living.

I never appreciated the here and now, and still I struggle to learn to appreciate the people and opportunities that are here and now. So I've tried to force myself to slow down. I now take the bus. The only problem now is that I've swung 180 degrees to the extreme and i feel like I am now sitting on a bus waiting. Waiting for what, I'm not sure but as I wait I am watching the world pass by me in a blur.

The word that springs to mind to describe how I feel is "lukewarm". A wise man once told me "never to be lukewarm, be hot or cold, but never lukewarm. Lukewarm's boring." I'm neither hot nor cold, up nor down....here nor there. I'm just waiting....waiting for a flutter.