1992.

You know that feeling where you're sitting in your Std 1 classroom for sharing time and your teacher Mrs Dobbie sends all the other little children to their seats except you...and she holds her arm outstretched with a look on her face that one so young cannot even begin to comprehend....and pulls you into a hug and you have no idea why? That's me.

Wow.

I'm actually capable of being homesick - who would've thought?

Year of the Yes!Yes!Yes!

So. 26. I call this the Year of the Yes!Yes!Yes!

Spontaneity is not part of my nature and so this year is supposed to be my year of adventures. In fact, I seem to be a bit of a late-bloomer. I've sculled beer out of a keg (my first time), danced on a bar top (first time), pushed aside all my inhibitions to face the judging glares of the other patrons at a Hot Springs due to various bodily embellishments. Oh, and have I mentioned, fallen in love? The first time in many years.

That in fact, was on the top of my bucket list. Sadly, it's ended before it even really started. Please don't tell me that I've crossed that off my list and that's going to be it for the rest of the year??

Jesus no.

Oh well. To my list, and adding beautiful things, that make me laugh, cry, scream, amused to it.

x

The role of a big sister

I woke up this morning rather distressed.

It was a disturbingly familiar feeling - one I had not felt in a long time but I could not quite place the feeling. It dawned on me later. I dreamt about my little brother.

Growing up, my little brother featured in my dreams quite often. Vivid and distressing dreams. I would be as my own age, but he always appeared in my dreams as a younger version of himself, circa 7-10 years old. We'd often be running from an anonymous menacing 'something' that would chase us through forests, over hills, through towns, cities and I'd spend the whole night with my hand tightly gasping his just running, running and running fueled only by the desperate need to protect him.

In one dream, we ran over a hill, over another hill, through a forest and finally to a town where I tried with all my might to dial the number to my mum's cellphone only to press all the wrong numbers. Dial. Dial. Dial. Dial dammit. Such fear, but I could never let it show. I am after all, the big sister. It is my job to protect.

A psychoanalysis of these dreams may identify the root of these dreams stemming from the need to redeem myself in some way. Have I failed as a big sister to protect my little brother? Perhaps so.

I have witnessed a confident, witty, cheeky and intelligent boy, due to circumstances, give way to a more reserved one, who no longer believed in himself or his abilities. It's a heart-breaking experience, especially for a big sister who believes that he is capable of achieving greatness, and more.

He has the most amazing qualities - if only he could see them. He has a loveable and caring nature - one that everyone is drawn to, even little babies. Everyone likes him and he is a natural favorite with aunties, to friends and family - growing up, this was the cause of great envy on my behalf. He is witty and charming which allows him the ability to get along with anyone of all backgrounds. He is intelligent and much more observant than I give him credit for. He has a gentle and sensitive soul, he is forgiving and kind - qualities that do not exist in me.

I think he thinks of me as a 'tyrant big sister'. I think it only became apparent to me one weekend away when a question was posed "if you could sleep with the woman of your dreams, but your sister had to watch - would you do it?" He answered with "hell now, she'd tell me that I was doing wrong and tell me to move aside!" While it was immediately funny, I couldn't help but think, "is that how he sees me?" It's something that I think about all the time.

Maybe I have failed as a big sister. Perhaps, like the person who contributed to knocking my brother's confidence out of him, I too, have used the wrong method? Unfortunately, I only know 'tough love', because it is the only method I know how.

Perhaps I needed to try 'soft love' - a gentler hand? Perhaps I needed to offer support and guidance instead of harsh words and blows in an attempt to instill a sense of strength in him?

Or perhaps, all the anger, patience and frustrations I unleashed on him when he did something wrong or when he didn't understand a math question was really directed at myself for not having the courage to protect him when he was being 'dealt' to, instead cowering in my room crying as he suffered in the next room; for abandoning him when he needed me and moving out; for yelling at him in frustration when he didn't understand his homework; and now for abandoning him and not being there for him as he goes through a lower period in his life.

If only I could tell him all the things that are in my head.

I am sorry if I have failed you in anyway - I am not as selfless as you, I am in fact, a rather selfish person.

I am sorry if I treat you like a child - you will always be my little brother so I'm afraid that's how it is.

You have so much potential. If only you could see that. With a bit of discipline, determination and motivation - you really will achieve anything you want to. I know that growing up, things were not ideal but there comes a point in our lives where we leave the past in the past and take responsibility for our lives and what we want for the future because WE have control over it. You have control. Your life is yours to live. Please do not waste a minute of it.

I am so proud of the person that you have become. You have truly blossomed into a man whom I always knew was there - Dad will be proud. Now go be your potential!

Finally, I will always always be supporting and rooting for you on the sidelines. No matter what you choose or do in life.

You will always be great in my mind. Because that's the role of a big sister - to love unconditionally.

It's good to be loved

It's good to be loved. When I looked into my locker today, I found a parcel.

My first birthday present from a dear friend who has always spoiled me.

Thank you for thinking of me. It's a book that is dear to my heart and was just lamenting the fact that I should have brought it with me.


x

Hello. I am......

. I've just realised that without a 'career', I suddenly am at lost as to who I am. I no longer know who I am without a title to hide behind.

Wow. That's a biggie.

I guess that's why I am where I am.

This is going to be a rollercoaster ride. Please bear with me. I thank you in advance.

On looking.

I've figured out why I dropped everything. I left my career, my friends, my family. I left them all behind and moved here to Taiwan, claiming I wanted to push myself out of my own comfort zone. That is partly true.

I am an independent woman at face level. I can be. But am I really? Can I really survive on my own, away from the people and the things that have always defined me? I've always defined myself in terms of who I am to other people, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a colleague and what they expected of me.

Away from these expectations, be them concrete or a figment of my imagination - will I still be the same person? Will I be more spontaneous? I certainly hope so. Will I be crazy and wild? Will I be demure and tame?

I've always played the role I needed to play in someone else movie. I'd like to star in my own movie now.

I think I've already managed to push myself out of the box a little. I've met friends through channels I thought I'd never explore, namely online and also reached out and made an effort to invest in these friendships.

I've met a boy, a boy who's younger than me albeit not by much but I've broken a golden rule I thought I'd never move on. Thing is, I don't even care really. It's not issue. This surprises me.

I've put myself out there to be judged and survived. In fact, I think I'm very very slowly learning that it's all in my head.

I need to learn to appreciate the little things and see the beauty around. Open my eyes. Cultivate curiosity.

Here's to curiosity.